Jessica's Emotional Struggle

Jessica's Emotional Struggle 

First of all, I want to say, I can't wait to hear your stories and hope that mine can be a little bit of inspiration. 

I believe my story started as young as 12 years old.  I was a gymnast from about the age of  7 to 15.  Spending those years in the gymnastics world was very exciting and I loved it, it gave me a sense of identity and strength, but I struggled with my body image.  I remember looking at my extremely muscular frame and only noticing the little bit of fat on my inner thighs.  I never saw myself for what I really was.  I was never thin enough and never good enough.  Although, looking back, I was both of those things, I just hadn't realized it yet.  Once I hit 15, I was spending about 5 to 7 hours 5 to 6 days a week in the gym.  Eventually my body started falling apart and I was emotionally spent.  I'd put so much energy into the sport, but I had had enough and quit the summer after my freshman year of junior high.

 

 

It was at this point that I lost almost all sense of self-worth and became badly depressed.   

I coped with the depression and low self-esteem by binge eating alone at night, followed by about 2 to 3 hours of intense exercise the next day.   

I fell into an awful cycle that plunge me into deeper self-loathing.  On the outside, I tried to look the part of a happy, beautiful and good person, but on the inside I felt like a shell of a person that only saw everything wrong with her.  (I know this is sounding a little depressing, so let me just say right now, this story ends up so much happier.  So, if anyone of you may be feeling this way right now in your life.  Let me just say, there is hope!  You are beautiful and so important!  And that it is possible to see this in yourself, even though you might not see how right now.)

I made it through high school, but not without a lot of unnecessary pain created by my terrible sense of self.  Then I started college.  The depression just got stronger, and I found myself 20 lbs heavier my first semester from all the binge eating.  I held on to a slight shred of confidence by focusing on my studies and trying to feel intelligent.  

Although I began to see a glimpse of hope, my self-doubt continued and I still struggled to find a good relationship with food.   I would go through cycles of perfect eating and then bingeing, it would cause a lot of unwanted anguish.

It was during my junior year of college that I met my husband.  I married him a year later, and it was at this point that I had to start facing some real demons.  My husband and I both had very good hearts, but both struggled with strong self-esteem issues, which caused a very unhealthy dynamic in our relationship.  A few years later, I got pregnant with our first son and it was at this point that I completely gave up all self control and began eating everything I could possibly eat and stopped all forms of exercise.  I ballooned to about a 200 lb frame!  I felt terrible and was disgusted by myself! 

I hit one of my low points when I was camping with my husband and his family in Canada.  We all packed up and set out to float down the Penticton canal.  I was apprehensive, but was determined to be tough and have fun.  I used a blowup mattress my sister in-law brought with her.  I could barely hoist my gigantic body onto the mattress.  Once I was on I realized every time I sat up the mattress would fill with water and begin to sink!  I couldn't believe how huge I was!  I had to lay on my back almost the entire time just to keep the mattress from sinking!  Everyone was having fun playing and swimming, and I was stuck there uncomfortable and miserable!  

I laid there laughing and crying at the same time.  Laughing, because I looked like a floating beached whale, and crying because I couldn't believe I had let myself get so Fat!  

 I was determined in that moment that I would do everything it took to get my body back to normal.  Being this massive was out of the question!  It was so embarrassing and uncomfortable!

After I had my baby, I launched right into hard core exercise.  I worked harder than ever and after about 8 months, my body was back to normal. I felt better physically, but I still struggled emotionally.

A few years later I was pregnant with my second baby.  I gained and lost a lot of weight for the second time.

About a year after my second child was born my marriage began crashing down around me.  I found myself emotionally distraught.  I could barely find the will to live.  It was at this point that I had to face the pain of all my insecurities.   Through some very special personal experiences I began to see my true worth, my potential and my strength.

I felt like a different person.  I felt true love for myself and others.  My new inner image helped my husband and I maneuver our way through our very complicated emotional issues.   

I started to feel real peace.  This inner strength continues to blossom today.  I've lost my fear of failure and gained a sense of total capability.  

Exercise and eating right has become a way of life.   I have learned to love the pain of very difficult workouts, because every time I find a little more power within.

My Message to you:

By sharing my story I hope to inspire someone to become happier and healthier, not only physically, but especially emotionally!   

If I am worth it, you is worth it!  You are incredible!  You can create a new mind and life!  Dig deep within and discover who you really are.

You have to decide each day that you are worth it and you can do it!   

Find that remarkably strong person inside and let's create this new life together!